When I refer to my kids as little assholes, I have always kind of excluded baby C, for the most part. He is, after all a baby. Most of the things he does that are aggravating (like shitty breastfeeding, for example) are not his fault. He’s just doing his baby thing in the best way he knows how, right?
That’s all changing.
The little man is 9 months now, and he is becoming quite the little scientist. Cause and effect! What happens when I do this? What if I do this again? And again?
That’s right, folks. I have a tosser.
If baby C is in his high chair and eating, he still keeps the food on his tray, thankfully. However, anything else is fair game. So if I give him a few toys to keep him busy, while I’m clearing the table? He will look at me, grab a toy, thrust his hand out to the side, aaaannnnd drop! There it goes. Then he takes the next one, looks at me, and does the exact same thing, until there are none left. And then he cries in frustration. Because there are none left.
So, I go pick them up and put them back on his tray. And I’ll give you one guess what he does! That’s right. Looks at me, hand out to the side, aaaaannnnd drop! All over again.
Baby C also appears to be a screamy squealer. You know the kind? You’re in the grocery store, and you hear this insanely high pitched, short scream from the other side of the store. You think to yourself, “God that was loud and high. I’m so glad I wasn’t anywhere CLOSE to that obscene sound!” I’m the mom who gets to be near that sound. All. The. Goddamn. Time.
So far, there doesn’t seem to be anything that will stop him, that’s appropriate for a baby. Shushing, shaking my head, saying no, speaking in a low soothing voice…none of it has the effect I keep hoping for. I’ve resorted to earplugs, to get me through these moments without losing my mind.
I friggin’ love this kid. And most of the time, the sun shines out his ass, he’s so goddamn happy. But he is, in fact, turning out to be a bit of an asshole too. I guess I had it coming, right?
It’s my own damn fault. After all, I didn’t name my blog The Joy of Cooking (for One Little Asshole).