“Well, I guess we’ll be the brains, and you can be the beauty.”
These words hit me like a ton of bricks, when they came from some well-meaning male friends in high school. We had joined forces, 2 guys and myself, to work on an English project. I had thought we were coming together because we were the smartest in the class, but that comment made me question my assumption.
Fuck pretty.
I don’t mean “fuck looking pretty,” or “fuck other people thinking women look pretty” or even “fuck trying to look pretty.” I mean I’m tired of everything that “pretty” means.
This is for my sweet 4 year old daughter, who likes trains and cars as much as dolls. Who chooses pink cupcakes, but says her favourite colour is blue. For the past 4 years, I’ve been trying to figure out what to tell you, when you finally started asking what I was putting on my face, as I applied makeup.
I could tell you it’s stuff to make me look pretty. That’s partially true, but doesn’t that imply that I don’t think I’m good enough without it? What kind of a role model does that make me? I don’t want you to think that you need makeup to make you look pretty. Because you already are.
But I’m afraid to tell you that. Because you’re so much more. You’re pretty last, after being smart, brave, precocious, funny, silly, generous, spunky, and a whole host of other things.
Fuck pretty.
This is for my amazing 14 year old stepdaughter, who is beautiful and petite, but hates every picture taken of her and seems to honestly think she is fat. I wish I could revert to a time before selfies. A time when the only way to examine yourself was in the mirror, not through multiple filters at various angles, with the option to photoshop out flaws, all through the scrutinizing and impersonal lens of social media. Being a teenager was hard enough before all of these things.
I wish I could get you to believe that it wouldn’t matter if your were “fat” (although you’re not), and that even if you were, you’d still be intelligent, kind, thoughtful, independent, creative, and yes, you’d still be pretty. Because pretty isn’t about having a smaller nose or thinner thighs.
Fuck pretty.
This is for my incredible 18 year old niece, who is quickly becoming a face to watch, on the Canadian modelling scene. Scouted by the top agency in Canada at the sweet age of 16, she is hurtling into a career where it is all about being pretty. I wish I could tell you how proud, but how worried I am.
I’m worried you will succumb to an eating disorder, to keep up with other models, or get ahead. I’m worried you will forget that you are so much more than your face, your hair, your legs. Because you are smart, sassy, hilarious, sweet, and generous as well as pretty.
Fuck pretty.
I wish I could explain, after all these years, why I still want (and sometimes need) to wear makeup. I see other women who don’t wear makeup, and I think, “Wow! She looks amazing, and you can tell she’s not wearing anything.” Why would I assume no one thinks the same of me? My husband prefers me without makeup. And yet, I would never be caught dead going to a party without makeup on. What am I so afraid of?
It’s a complicated thing, this idea of pretty. I continue to want to fill the role of looking pretty, but I find myself getting angry when that’s the first thing about me that is recognized, by others. And I am fiercely protective of my youngest daughter’s exposure to the word and all of its implications.
In this Disneyfied girl culture that we’re raising our daughters and nieces in, I worry that our girls are learning that the heroine always has a tiny waist and perfect makeup and hair, and is saved by a prince. That’s not who our girls should be aspiring to be. The heroines are girls like Malala Yousafzai, who took a bullet in order to get an education, and is the youngest person ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Malala, who is courageous, eloquent, intelligent…and pretty. Not because she has a tiny waist, and perfect hair and makeup, but because she is all of those other things.
Who would we rather our girls be: the next Kim Kardashian, or the next Malala Yousafzai?
Fuck pretty.
This piece originally appeared on Scary Mommy here.
~g
I’m not so worried about the make-up thing when it comes to my girls (maybe I should be?). I’ve portrayed it in our house as just a fun thing like painting a picture. But I really do not ever want them to be body shamed. My 7 year old has abnormal ribs and at first glance you can’t tell, but they stick out quite a bit if she wears a tighter shirt or her bathing suit. I want her to grow up and say fuck it, these are my ribs and I’m gonna own them like a boss. (I’m not sure what age I want her to start using that language, but whatever).
I understand. It’s tough, isn’t it? My daughter has hair on her legs already, and I’m afraid of her getting shamed for that, too. So much to worry about :-/
This Is one of my favourite pieces you have written!
Thanks darlin’! Me too 🙂
Is it bad that sometimes I’m kind of relieved I have sons so that I don’t have these kinds of things to worry about? That being said, I’m sure I’ll have a whole host of other weird boy problems and insecurities to deal with but the whole beauty issue is one I struggled with over the years myself, I’m thankful I don’t have to try and explain that.
No, I totally get it. It’s scary as hell, having to deal with this stuff. But boys do have their own host of challenges!
I have boys so haven’t thought much about it; although, the rare time I wear make up (something I gave up a LONG time ago) I wait for them to ask me what it is for (I want them to accept women for who they are, and not the make up on their faces). Luckily, they haven’t asked yet
I wonder and worry about this stuff with my daughter. It is damn hard and being male all I have ever done is looked in from the outside. If I am not with my girl I don’t think twice about it.
You are thinking about it, though, and that’s wonderful. Your daughter is lucky to have you!
I am someone who has always made a living off of pretty – pretty things, pretty people, pretty interiors. And I have two pretty daughters.
But they are smart and talented and super funny! And I hope that’s what they focus on in their lives – pretty fades but smarts doesn’t.
Exactly!
Totally get where you’re coming from: not only as I watch my 12-year old become increasingly self-aware, self-confident, and self-critical, but also as a 40-something woman and mother who wants to look her best — sometimes that’s with makeup and sometimes without — and to let her daughters know that there’s a difference between ‘wanting’ and ‘feeling like you have’ to look a certain way. It’s a tough balance though, the wanting to look and feel pretty versus the pressure of denying ourselves that pleasure because of the social implications.
Yup. We are definitely on the same wavelength! Quite a journey, eh? Thanks for reading.
Yes!! A thousand times yes! As a preschool teacher I am very conscious of not wearing makeup to class, so the children see that it’s not required of women.
I posted this article about raising gendered children on my blog that this post reminds me of. I think you would find it interesting. http://thebigtodolist.com/gender-in-the-toy-department-a-research-paper/
It drives me crazy all the stereotypical comments and gifts my daughter receives. She is SO much more than pretty princess. She is a clever, sassy little champion! Fuck pretty!
Totally!! Love it, can’t wait to read your post 🙂