There is nothing worse than the sound of my husband snoring through the baby monitor.
The poor guy has sleep apnea, and most nights, he puts this crazy contraption on that controls his snoring. Or at least stifles it. Or…well, I can’t hear it because the white noise of the CPAP machine drowns it out. Whatever it takes, right?
But the other night, he fell asleep with the kids as he was putting them to sleep. That man can fall asleep pretty much anywhere. It takes me a glass of tepid water, two caplets of magnesium, 27 minutes of reading and turning around in my bed six times, in order to fall asleep.
Falling asleep at the same time as the kids means he was in bed without his breathing contraption strapped to his face.
Which equals snoring. Amplified through that lovely sound system known as a baby monitor.
I love him to pieces, but this sweet man of mine can snore in a way that would scare off intruders in our home. We basically have a top of the line theft prevention system, as long as he’s here and asleep.
It starts out at a harmless enough volume, (I always hope that it won’t progress. That soft snuffing sound is almost endearing, when it’s at a manageable level.) but as he slips deeper into sleep, the sounds he emits become the stuff of nightmares.
Imagine, if you will, a wood chipper. Now turn it on, and throw a screwdriver into that wood chipper. Next, make sure it’s programmed to “shuffle,” so you can never be sure when you’re going to get the quiet setting or the full-blown one.
Now imagine that fantastic sound being directed into a megaphone. While you’re trying to watch the latest episode of Walking Dead, or attempting to concentrate on writing, in order to meet a deadline.
I resist turning off the monitor because baby C is still breastfeeding on demand, so I’m used to listening for his 11pm wake up, which sometimes comes at 10pm, or 10:30 or 10:56. Because, you know, babies. Also, because I’m a martyr. And lord knows, it’s great to have material to use against your husband, to get him to do things for you, first thing in the morning. Annoying things like making the kids’ lunches. And coffee for me.
Later that night, as I lay next to him, grinding my teeth, I actually downloaded a decibel level reader onto my iPad, to justify my complaints. You know, because everyone who snores thinks the people who accuse them of being loud are full of shit. I measured the hell out of those levels, to be sure I wasn’t overstating it. Then I actually recorded his snoring and woke him up to play it back to him. After a few seconds of listening, he took one look at those levels* and very quickly, very sheepishly, went back to using his CPAP machine.
I did end up turning off the monitor, that evening. But I’ll have you know I could STILL hear him, through two closed doors. Lordy.
* For the record, he was hitting 75-80 decibels. That’s the same level as a washing machine or a vacuum cleaner. Prolonged exposure to sound levels above 80 decibels can lead to hearing loss. YUP.