Last weekend, I did something I never could have imagined doing, when I started this blog 10 months ago: I went to a blogging conference. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, and I only had a vague idea of what I wanted to get out of the experience, but I knew I had to do it.
It was so many things: transformative, inspiring, magical, touching, joyful.
I had several epiphanies while I was there, and several reminders of why I started down this path of blogging and writing in general. I feel like I’ve stayed fairly true to my Why, but I wanted to reiterate it here:
I think it’s obvious that when I started this blog, I was aiming for humour. During my time battling perinatal and postpartum depression and anxiety, I have had this intense desire to laugh at things. I *need* to laugh at certain situations in my life, because if I don’t, the depression will take over.
I almost feel like there are two parts of me battling it out. On the one side, I feel the depression and anxiety weighing me down so heavily. They make me irritable and unable to see my way out. On the other side, I can’t help but laugh at the insanity of it all. The way that I see motherhood portrayed versus what is actually happening in my life, the way that I am letting my idealistic self (and all the expectations I had) down, the absurdity of being a parent sometimes.
So yes, I sometimes refer (jokingly) to my kids as little assholes, and that’s how this blog was born.
But it was also about showing other mothers struggling out there that they aren’t alone. I am in the thick of it, and I know what it can be like. The isolation, the pain, the guilt, OH MY GOD the guilt! Questioning every little thing you do, getting mad at yourself for doing something you said you’d never do, slogging through each day. Loving these tiny beautiful beings that you created with all your might, but wondering how you will make it to the end of the day without screaming.
My goal, when I started this blog, was always to bring you, my readers, an authentic piece of myself. Telling my stories, making you laugh, but making sure you knew that you weren’t alone, in whatever your struggle was. That’s part of why I launched #100authenticdays and why I continue to write about authenticity in social media. It’s why I share the hard moments as well as the funny ones. Because when we only share the funny, or the happy, or the positive, the pressure to continue to only share the good stuff, even when things get bad, can end up being harmful.
For me, writing my way through the darkness, in spite of the darkness, laughing at the darkness, has been my path to bliss. I am doing what I truly love, now. And as I explore all the facets of this joyful act of creation, I look forward to sharing the ride with all of you.